Don't wreck it, don't touch it

The other day I bought a couple of hockey sticks for Laura and myself (9$ each) so we can easily play with the kids. So they don't end up in the pile of stuff at the neighbours when the kids all play together, I've been writing our names on the outside toys.

So I took out a super-indelible-never-come-off-till-you're-dead-and-maybe-even-later marker and wrote our last name on the stick. Alice was bouncing around wanting to use it. I said no and indicated that I should be the one writing on it. Then I relented and let her do the names on the kids stick. But now she had a taste for it and wanted more. She wanted to draw a picture on my nice new stick. I told her definitely not. I didn't tell her that I didn't want my stick to have weird pictures on it, but I thought it.

Then I paused, took a breath, and thought some more.

And you know what? I'd love for my daughter to draw a picture on my stick. To be able to look at this stick and remember her how she is at this age. This bright eyed, sometimes infuriating, smart as anything, bright little girl. My little girl. Drawing a picture on it made her happy, and that makes me happy.

You know that it's a good stick because it's got three flowers on it. The flowers remind me of something from a Mario game.

Adventures outside

I love playing with the kids outside. I'd not normally make it out except for the helpful prodding by Laura. I might resist, but I (almost) always love our adventures. I definitely love parts of every adventure.

Sometimes we don't have to go far. Just to the closest green space, which may be nestled beside the queensway.

You can always seem to find wildflowers to pick

Some are simpler than others

This sums up kite flying perfectly - Alice actually chased down the kite and brought it back

How am I going to do this?

Parts of today were great. The end with the kids didn't go so well. I struggle with them when they are 2 and 4. How am I going to be able to handle them when they are 16 and 14?

I woke up in a blue mood. Having a difficult time with the kids just adds to it. Maybe being in a crappy mood causes the kids to misbehave? Ugg.

I just feel like a total failure. I know that I'm not. I know that I'll probably feel better tomorrow. It's just... It's hard to change my brain.

The worst part. There's no more pie or cookies.
Queue Darth Vader saying: Noooooooooooooo!!!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I have problems with change sometimes. Change like my kids growing up. It's not that I don't want them to grow up, it's just sad when some things end. Like daycare this week for the kids. Like the other two day cares that they have been with. I guess I just get a bit sad when each chapter finishes. It doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying the book.

Currently I'm a bit sad about two friends we've had for a while: Mr Bear and Mr Ducky. They aren't played with anymore. They're relegated to the basement. They used to be constant companions, but no more.

I miss playing with them.

I shouldn't be sad. It just means that we're at some new beginning. It's okay to be sad and happy at the same time, right?

Just chilling with Mr Bear

Mr Ducky knows the best angle for the camera

Balancing the risk

Today was the last day of daycare for the kids and work for me. We're off now.

The day started off like most, but today it was tragic. When we had almost gotten to the river Laura texted me that a cyclist had died. This is at the intersection that I turn with the kids twice a day. An intersection that someone had run a red yesterday.

It's horrible.

I debated a bunch if I was going to say anything to the kids. About the time we got to the canal I told them. They don't really understand death, but I wanted to explain. I wanted them to know why we were changing our route, why the road was closed, why the police. I wanted them to know why I was upset.

My bike rides with the kids are my favourite part of the day. How often on a normal commute with people do they stop and watch a swan? Or count ducks? Or exchange waves with strangers on a tourist boat? Or talk about all the colours of the things that they can see. I love my ride with them. I feel, I hope, that I'm being safe enough.

But that woman today probably felt she was being safe too.

I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm sad.

I'm worried.

Roads shouldn't be a danger like this. This isn't right. This needs to be fixed.