Spinning plates

Tonight I lost my temper. I didn't yell. I didn't hit. I just took away some toys and then comforted some tears. It was a controlled loss of temper. I was fair. Shortly Alice was happy again.

But I still feel that I failed.

I feel like I should be redirecting, not taking away. I should be asking for my Little Helper rather than ordering or asking. I shouldn't be looking at my phone (really, I've got to fix that). I should be making more games. I feel I should somehow be doing more. The problem is that I'm human and can't be an ideal. In my head I don't expect anything more than human from myself, but my heart is disappointed every time I miss the mark.

With the two kids I feel like I'm spinning plates. Moving between them both and keeping them on track. Sort of failing them both at the same time, but equally. You know, to be fair.

Tonight after picking them up from daycare but before supper I sat on the floor as I often do and asked Isaac to bring over a book. He did, then turned around and sat down in my lap with a thump. A book or 2 later I had a kid on each thigh. At one point Alice was sitting in my lap and Isaac sitting in hers. I think that on the 7th or 8th book I said I must start dinner. As typically happens, now they are too hungry to wait for anything to book and they need food now. I think that the only way I can make them a normal meal is if I start at 4. And that they only get cold plain toast with 3 raisins.

*sigh* Time to go to bed. I'm having a hard time reading the words I'm typing. Please forgive the lack of proof reading.