Goodbye Grandma S

Grandma died August 9th, 2017.

I want to put down my thoughts, but I feel that I'll do a poor job. I'm going to try anyways.

From June to August Grandma changed quite a bit. All five of us visited her on the 2nd. She didn't look the same, she was hardly there physically and could barely speak. But she would smile, and make faces at the kids and wink. She let Lucy play with her hands. Isaac was asleep for most of our visit, but when we asked if Grandma's boys turned everything into a weapon when they were little she made a exaggerated face and said "Oh no! Are you crazy?!?". She said that her kids never did that. She wanted our kids close to her.

That was how Grandma was at the end. In pain, drifting in and out of sleep, but still wanted to play with the kids and have them show her their toys.

Grandma was always interested in kids but I never truly noticed until I had some of my own. She would play games or wink at them over some shared secret. When she needed the help of a walker, she would insist on giving the kids a ride to their glee and my worry. This was always a highlight of their visit with Great Grandma.

Alice was always willing to accept a ride

Two kids, miraculously not fighting

I have spent many an hour playing hands of Skip-Bo with Grandma. She would bring our her fitted custom-made felt table cloth to cover the glass table. I assume that she would do this so we wouldn't notice when she was hiding cards in her lap.

If you would purposely do something that would block her next turn, she might lightheartedly say "Back of me hand to you!" or shake her head and say "Born to aggravate. Born to aggravate people!". After a while it motivated me to make moves that would get that reaction, so I guess Grandma was right.

Grandma and Lucy

Grandma always seemed to keep herself busy, especially after that shitty week in 1989 where she lost both her husband and father. After that for years, she would usually buy a big ticket item around that time. Sometimes a washer / dryer, sometimes a ring. Just something to distract herself. She took up all these different crafts. Painting on canvas. Silk painting - she made beautiful scarves. Cutting pictures in layers to generate depth. Macrame of lawn chairs. She did beautiful work on whatever she did. She probably learned a dozen other types of crafts that I don't even recall.

For family gatherings there would often be special foods. Homemade pickled beets. Trifle. Shortbread in white and pastel pinks and greens in little rectangles and circles. Little mincemeat tarts, usually served warm.

At Christmas time things would be tastefully decorated. She would have this little green porcelain or ceramic tree with these little plastic "lights" in it that reflected the light from a bulb inside. After Christmas everything would be packed up and put away for a year.

Growing up, when visiting Grandma's house everything would be perfectly clear and orderly. Even the basement. She'd offer us pop - pepsi in this case in funny little cans they had in the 80's. We'd play a homemade nail and ball bearing game that was like pinball but without the paddles. It really is a wonderful game that someone built. I'm not sure if it was my grandfather or great-grandfather.

Me, my brothers,  2 cousins, and our grandparents in 1984

Goodbye Grandma. I'll miss you.

She's a sailor now

(Rewriting this post since the software lost it)

We are at the cottage now and the weather has improved. We had purchased a kids size sit on top kayak and I honestly expected that only Isaac would use it starting maybe next year. Well, last evening Alice went out and she did an amazing job. She just got it and was moving all around. I was surprised and quite proud of her.

Isaac has been avoiding the water since it's been so cold, but Laura was able to get him in today and he was doing a great job in just floaties. Swimming around and having fun.

Lucy also did great today - it was her first in a kayak. She must have found it relaxing because she fell asleep after a short while.

Another funny thing was Alice sitting in a lawn chair and it falling over backwards with her in it. She said "this didn't end well". Too funny.

At one point I needed a rinse so I told Alice I was going to "look for fishies". This is code for an adult to stand at the end of the dock, bent over and staring at the water to allow young kids to push them in. Alice was pretty excited.

So I go to the dock, stare at the water, then splash! I'm in the water. Alice tells me while I was looking a big wave came along and knocked me in. I got out and we made a big show looking for rogue waves, then when it was safe I went to look for fish. Well, wouldn't you know it but I was pushed in with a splash! I come up and Alice is sitting 10' from the end of the dock. She explains that a big fish jumped and smacked me into the water. I got out and we made a big show of looking for rogue waves AND fish. When it was safe, I leaned over the end of the dock to look for fish and splash! The instant I'm up I look for Alice but she sitting 10' away again and couldn't have possibly have pushed me in (she insisted on the part). I had enough of rogue waves 🌊, fish 🐟, and ducks 🦆, so I went for a shower 🚿.

I've been having a good day. 

My welcome greeting

Today I walked through the door and greeted everyone that I could see. The ikea circus tent was close to the door and started to shake / move. Little by little a Lucy popped out from behind or in it, drawn by the sound of my voice. When she saw me she gave me a huge, warm smile.

Today was a good day.

Spending time with your siblings can be quite... in-tents. :-D

Trials by Children

I feel that every meal, night time routine, just about anything is a challenge with the kids.

Other times it's so easy.

Right now Isaac is getting into trouble because climbing. He'll climb up into the window well in the basement. When you confront him about it in your Stern Parenting Voice he's all like "oh sore-ee. I wove you" then goes in for a tight, very comfortable hug. I think he can speak just fine and just cranks up the cuteness to get out of trouble.

Alice continues to have issues with big feelings but we are all getting a bit better at dealing with them. It's the worst when she's tired, or hungry, or anxious about a new experience. But when things are going well she still allows me to cradle her like a baby and rock her back and forth, back and forth, while I tell her that I love her.

Lucy is bum scooting around a lot. She's starting to get into anything on floor level. She enjoys getting into the IKEA tent and flipping it onto its side. That would have caused hysterics with Alice at that age. She seems to really like toes, shoes, balls, and music.

Sometimes Laura and I talk about going away for vacation that's just the two of us. We get a far off look in our eyes... then fail to see how that would work any time soon. Maybe it would. I just don't know. We can dream.

Things are good.

Lucy is sick

Lucy is sick with a cold and ear infection. She's just breathing and very difficult to make smile or laugh, which is out of character. Also you could an egg on her. I feel bad. We now have meds so it's just a matter of time until she's better.

I feel extremely lucky that we have not had to deal with anything more serious. 😕

My Nightmare Scenario

I was talking to my former boss today (works 2 cube over) and he was mentioning that he sold his lawn equipment when he moved. Being away for 9 months and he gone on an acting for 12 months for a total of like 17 months where I didn't work with him meant I didn't have close tabs on him. So I said "Oh, you moved?" to which he replied "Oh, you didn't know? Ya, I did when me and (my ex-wife) split up".

He was cool with how things are ("it just happens sometimes") but it was a bit of a shock to me.

Currently I have 5 nightmare scenarios:

• Something happens to our marriage
• Something that happens to Laura
• Something that happens to Alice
• Something that happens to Isaac
• Something that happens to Lucy

It fills me with despair if I think of any of those happening. I can't help it, it just does.

I don't think that marriage is easy. It's something that I try to work at and hopefully not screw up too bad, too often. It makes me happy. It's been 10 years and 14 years together.

It's been a very good 14 years.

Almost back to work

Next working day I will be back at work. I'm a bit sad about that. I love spending time with the kids, so I'm a bit sad about that. Laura usually has better insight into how I'm feeling than I do recognized this and tried to get me go for a long bike ride tonight, but I made a short one. (Aside: I really need to get a bike tune up so my front wheel spins freely. 😬)

From what I understand about work, a lot of the tasks that I work on were put aside for 9 months with "Let's just wait for Jim to get back" as the reason. Does that mean that the tasks aren't important? That I'm the only person that can do them? Both those answers point to failure on my part. My goal is always to get into a state where I can win the lottery and run away to a tropical island and not worry about screwing people over at work.

The fact that I've not done everything that I wanted to get done. I haven't posted about Holland, or done a blog post from the kids in forever, hardly gone over the photos, not cleaned and reassembled my keyboard, I need to buy new shoes / sandals, etc. I spend way too much time reading twitter or the news. I need to somehow shut that off for myself. I also wish that apple would release a new mac mini so I can fix our home computer setup like I've been promising Laura for years now and retire my 10 year old macbook.

On my bike ride this evening I stopped on the Adàwe Crossing and just listened to the water going under the bridge.

I hate feeling sad. And that makes me feel... sad. Loop. *sigh*

Today was a great day, but I'll have to review it in my head later. Maybe a shower will help. Let's try that.